Announcer: Uh-oh. Your battery died.
Now you'll never get that report done in time.
- What a great idea! - ( alarm beeps )
But will you remember it in the morning?
Why can't someone invent a portable data transport system?
Well, Millennium Communications 2000 has.
Let us take you into the 21st century and beyond.
With our latest breakthrough--
the Dataport 2000T.
This device uses state-of-the-art technology
to allow instantaneous transfer of information
utilizing the natural force of gravity.
This ink-like substance is forced
through our patented delivery system
onto a rotating orb composed of a space-age polymer
used in the manufacture of cars.
You can then download your data
onto our lightweight peripheral
made by a process that converts wood
Into a random-access storage carrier.
- ( theme music playing ) - ( audience cheering )
Announcer: From New York City,
It's "The Chris Rock Show."
Tonight, boxer Roy Jones, Jr.
Musical guest, Salt-N-Pepa.
Plus musical director Grandmaster Flash.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Chris Rock!
( cheering continues )
Thank you.
All right. Thank you.
Thank you all.
( laughing )
Yeah! Yeah. Yeah.
Thank you all.
Welcome to the show.
- ( scattered cheers ) - It's--
It's the holiday season. It's holiday season.
You could tell. Out it's crazy and hard to drive around.
It's the holiday season. You could tell.
You know how you could tell? 'cause everybody's in the spirit, man.
Even the Bloods are in the holiday spirit.
You know, 'cause they'll still rob you,
But they'll give you back your baby pictures.
( laughs )
'Cause they got rid of the box cutters,
got some butter knives. It's Christmas.
You know what else? Last week, now,
Iast week at Thanksgiving Day Parade,
The Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade--
I hope you didn't go to that Woolworth Parade--
Uh, The Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade,
The Cat in the Hat balloon
went out of control and injured a woman, man.
She's like-- she's messed up,
and the spokesperson for Dr. Seuss
released a statement saying,
"l would not like a balloon upside my head.
I would not like to end up motherfucking dead."
( chuckles )
Thank you.
( chuckling )
Yup, that's exactly what he said.
Now, uh, what else is going on?
President Clinton, Billy-Bill,
you know, he's under a lot of pressure lately, man.
Clinton's been investigated so much
that now he's starting to get his investigations confused.
He's getting them all mixed up,
'cause today he denied calling up Paula Jones for money,
And then he whipped out his dick to Janet Reno!
They love him! ( mumbles )
Now turning to show business, in an interview this week
Will Smith, you know, Big Willy, said--
- ( scattered cheers ) - Big Willy said
that he gets pulled over by the cops twice a month,
and the cops say, "You're a nigger with a nice car.
Shut the fuck up."
If that's how they treat the Fresh Prince,
then lce Cube must be getting his ass kicked
twice a day!
Poor lce Cube, man.
I guess they just hang Busta Rhymes.
Now, after--
you know what happened last week?
After being paid a million dollars,
Whitney Houston, you know,
Whitney Houston cancels her performance
at the mass wedding for the Moonies. Just cancelled it.
"Forget it, I ain't going. I'm a diva. I'm not showing up.
And here's your money back too."
Now, people don't know this, but Bobby Brown offered
to sing in her place. He did.
Bobby said, "Hey, you know,
A million? Hey, why not?"
But the Moonies said, "Hey, we--
the Moonies said, "Wait, we wouldn't let you sing
unless you brought Ralph, Ronnie, Ricky and Mike.
That's right. Now, the big news this week is
Latrell Sprewell.
Latrell Sprewell
of the Golden State Warriors
was suspended for a year
after he tried to strangle his coach.
Tried to strangle his coach,
now he can't play professional basketball no more.
But you know what the good news is?
He found some work as a nanny.
( chuckling )
Tried to strangle his coach!
"l don't wanna pick and roll!"
- Now-- - ( laughter )
( laughs ) "You box that motherfucker out!"
Okay, it's been a bad week for Sprewell.
You know what? But it's been a bad year for Dennis Rodman,
'cause not only is he not the league's leading rebounder anymore,
but now with Sprewell acting crazy
he's not the league's leading asshole no more!
( laughter, applause )
Yeah, we got a great show tonight.
We got Roy Jones, Jr. In the house.
- ( cheering ) - We got--
we got Salt-N-Pepa in the house.
And don't forget to give it up for Grandmaster Flash.
( scratching record )
Now, whenever I walk around New York,
I always see tons of people wearing walkmans,
and I always wonder, "What are they listening to?"
So now with some advanced technology
we here at "The Chris Rock Show"
went out there with a hidden camera
to tap into people's headphones.
( rap song playing )
( audience laughing )
Hello, I'm Gilbert Gottfried
and welcome to "Books on Tape: the Dictionary."
Chapter one, "A." "Aardvark"--
a large, burrowing, nocturnal African mammal
that has extensile tongue,
Iarge ears and heavy tail.
( dolphins chittering )
- ( new age music playing ) - Man: You are not a dork.
People like you. They just have
a funny way of showing it-- by leaving you.
( funk music playing )
Male instructor: lmportant Japanese phrases.
( translator speaking Japanese )
Instructor: "l prefer a woman with large breasts."
( funk music playing )
( man speaking Japanese )
( Japanese accent ) Marv Albert. Yes!
( yodeling music )
( record scratching )
( yodeling continues )
( audience cheering )
Hey, now the year 2000,
the year 2000 is fast approaching,
And if you're like me, you're doing everything you can
to get ready for the millennium.
What do you think's gonna happen in the year 2000?
Woman: People that are trying to hide things
are not gonna be able to. The truth's coming out.
Like Marv Albert?
- ( whip cracking ) - Man: Yes! Yes!
The 21st century's coming, and you're gonna have to change your name.
How about "25th century drapes"?
That way you don't have to worry about it for four centuries.
No. I don't think so.
Our job is just a small piece of the millennium.
It's to promote and plan what's gonna happen in New York City.
Are they gonna ship in more hookers?
( laughs )
- "Big Butt Drapes"? - No.
- No? "Little Butt Drapes"? - No.
- They say New York is cleaner, right? - Cleaner.
- And there's less crime. - A lot less crime.
Don't you see that as a sign that the world is about to end?
How about "Chris Rock Drapes"?
No.
- These are predictions. - Oh, predictions.
- You're like Jimmy the Greek. - Well, I'm not Jimmy the Greek.
I'm like Lady A, The Witch.
There's always something more that can be learned...
- In the drapery-- - In the drapery business.
Oh, okay. It's kind of like being a Jedi.
And then a tidal wave that's gonna hit New York.
Chris: A tidal wave is going to hit New York?
Lady A: We're talking huge.
Now, if the tidal wave comes,
will alternate sides of the street parking be suspended?
- I think it will. - People are awakening,
And it's happening through the sexual energy
which is rising up, yes. And people are changing.
It comes up. It comes up all the way to the head.
It comes up? I haven't had sex in a while,
- and it's up to here. - Uh-oh.
Have you ever watched "Bewitched"?
- Yeah, it's ridiculous, but... - Okay.
- I used to watch a long time ago. - ( makes tinkling sound )
Yeah, I wish.
What's gonna happen is,
plagues will be set forth on, you know--
on the earth as a result of the rejection of God
And that they embraced the Antichrist,
They embraced Satan's way of doing things.
- Should I cancel my cable? - ( laughs )
What performers do you think should wear capes?
I'm gonna give you a cape so you can try it out
- and then take a rundown yourself. - okay.
If there is an Antichrist, do you have any idea who he is?
Nobody knows exactly who he is.
- Any suspicions? - Some suspect--
- Burt Reynolds? - ( demonic laughter )
You're in the decision period in your life right now.
- You're gonna make a decision. - I know
What decision you're talking about,
and I've been giving it a lot of thought,
and...
red cape or black cape?
( audience cheering )
You see, you're gonna have to change the name of the garage.
Not at all. I think the name is gonna stay the way it is.
Men will learn more and more to have orgasm without ejaculating.
You ever have an orgasm without ejaculating?
Uh, can't say that I have.
- You're a teacher of this? - Yeah yeah, but it's not--
you teach by-- not by having sex.
Would you consider wearing a cape
- to park a car in the year 2000? - Hmm.
All right. Service.
James Brown wore a cape.
Liberace. Superman.
Batman. But they don't count.
Where is this cape thing going?
Do you have any premonitions about the future?
Yeah, that it's gonna be better.
Okay, what about the fourth race at Belmont?
- I'll put my money on the seven horse. - Seven horse.
( people cheering )
- Man: Come on! Come on. - Chris: Oh... Oh...
( screaming )
Yeah! Yeah!
Yeah!
( cheering )
Hey, my first guest is
a W.B.C. Iight heavyweight champion of the world
and is considered the best fighter pound-for-pound in the world.
Please welcome Roy Jones, Jr.
( hip-hop music playing )
- What's up? - ( exclaims )
- How are you doing? - All right!
Ladies and gentlemen, Roy!
Whoa.
( audience cheering subsides )
- Woman: Yes! - They love it.
They love it, they love it. I love it.
Women are actually screaming. Actually, I've always said that.
Women wanna feel safe with whatever man they're with.
And what's safer that being with a guy
who knocks everybody the fuck out?
( both chuckling )
I mean, have you ever knocked out somebody and got a woman over that?
Uh, no. Actually, I have had
a lot of women to like me after knocking someone out,
- because they didn't like the person. - Oh, okay.
Now, what is that-- to me, that's gotta be
the biggest high in the word, to knock a man out.
You're just like, "l don't like you." "Oh yeah? I don't like you."
- Pow! - ( Roy chuckling )
And they're down there on the ground. You're up, like,
"Yeah, motherfucker." I mean,
What is it-- 'cause a little guy--
I ain't knocking nobody out...
without a brick.
So, I mean, how is it-- explain to me,
what is it like to knock a man out?
Well, a lot of times it's according to how the person is.
Some guys say-- I don't really have any hate
For other fighters. I don't like to hate people.
I think hate is something that this world should be without.
- I don't go out and do it out of hate. - ( cheering )
But sometimes guys come over--
You don't hate people, but you hate to see
people standing in a ring with you...
-...with gloves on. - Right.
You got a pair of gloves on, I'm like, "What are you trying to do to me?"
My mom told me if you hit me, or if I thought you were gonna hit me,
to hit you back or hit you first. What are you trying to do?
I didn't do anything. I didn't take your candy. What are you
jumping on me for? So I have to get rid of him.
- Right. - ( audience applauding )
Hey.
- You gotta get rid of him. - Gotta go, gotta go.
Gotta go, gotta go. Now, you see the whole Sprewell thing--
He beat up the coach or whatever--
you ever get mad and punch a trainer in the face or something?
No. But, you know--
I don't get that mad. Like I said, I'm cool under pressure,
but sometimes they tell you stuff and it makes you think.
I won 11 rounds against James Toney.
I come back after 11th round. I'm tired.
But I've won every round. I'm pretty sure, right?
And my coach goes, "Look, you gotta win this round!"
- I'm like, "What?!" - ( Chris chuckles )
I'm like, "What is he talking about?"
Did he jump when you said, "What?!"
So I'm like, "Well, don't pay any attention.
He's just probably panicking because this is
the biggest time of our lives together.
So I waited for a minute, just stared into space. Then he came back
and realized I wasn't paying attention. He said, "l don't mean it
Iike that." and I understood what he was saying.
I understood the situation. He didn't want me to get raw.
- You didn't want to beat his ass. - I was gonna beat him anyway.
- Oh, okay. - Right.
Now, did you ever bite anybody in the ear?
( chuckles )
No. I actually--
I had a little girl-- I was fishing on a bridge back at home,
and this little girl, her father says, "You know him?"
She goes, "No, who is he?" he says, "That's that prize fighter.
The guy that fights." She says, "Oh. Does he bite?"
And I laughed so hard, man.
The only time I ever bit a guy-- when I was young,
I was weighing about 95, and this guy weighed 125 lbs.
My father had me sparring with him, and he kept pushing me with his shoulder.
My father goes, "Push him around, bully him!" He was telling him
to bully me, to try to make me blow up. So finally I said,
"l only got one thing to do, since he hit me in the mouth with his shoulder.
Bite him." So I bit him. He hollered-- ahh!
But he didn't put his shoulder on me no more.
I got out there, and I just dominated him.
But there's one thing. I can bite him back at square ring gym.
You can't bite a man in Madison Square Garden!
- ( audience laughing, applauding ) - You know?
You can't do that.
- No biting at the Garden. You know-- - ( laughter )
( laughing )
The Knicks need to bite somebody.
( audience cheering )
( chuckling )
You know what's--
you-- it's weird to me-- the fighter
who's at the top of his game, you're making dough,
and you're not down with Don King.
- ( chuckles ) - How the hell did that happen?
Well, basically, I wanted to maintain control of my life,
and after seeing all the things that guys went through--
Don King is the best promoter there's ever been in boxing.
That's the honest-to-God truth. It's just that you
have to know how to handle him.
The way he gets the advantage is, he catches these guys
when they need him most and they have nothing else to turn to.
The only player in town is Don King,
so you have to deal with Don on Don's terms.
- I will deal with Don, but on my terms. - Oh, okay.
( audience cheering )
I hear that.
Now, you know, boxing-- I didn't even realize--
You always see Don in boxing, but I never realized
how powerful Don King was till I watched the Holyfield-Moorer fight.
- Right. - And they said,
"Holyfield, you're gonna fight Lennox Lewis?"
He said, "l gotta talk to Don King."
I said, "What happened to God?"
- ( chuckling ) - ( audience laughing )
He was like, "God..." remember?
He was like, "God God God."
I'm like, "When the hell did Don King get ahead of God?"
- I don't know. - Oh, don't fuck with Don King, man.
He got Holyfield.
So what's next for you? What's the next thing for Roy Jones?
Probably to move up to the cruiserweight division.
These guys are a little bigger than me, but it's no big thing.
I have to take a chance. People wanna see me fight, and it's no fun
fighting guys my size, because I've been beating them pretty bad.
- ( audience laughing ) - So this I'll try--
- Will you go to heavyweight? - Yeah, eventually.
- Get out of here. - I don't have another choice.
( audience cheering )
So are you gonna fight Holyfield?
He'll have to talk to Don.
Yo, thanks for showing up, man.
Thank you, Roy Jones, Jr. Give it up!
- ( hip-hop music playing ) - ( audience cheering )
Announcer: How many times has this happened to you?
The whole family gathers for a night of must-see-TV
when the cable goes out.
( chewing loudly )
Looks like another evening of Boggle.
Well, stop living in the 20th century
and leap into the future with the Wavelink 2000,
a revolutionary dual analog data receptor
from Millennium Communications 2000.
Thanks to a breakthrough in information transmission,
You can now receive your TV signal through the air!
Originally developed by NASA,
Millennium Communications 2000 has refined this system
- for home use. - ( audience exclaims, laughing )
We don't make things. We make better things.
( cheering, whistling )
Now, everybody knows about the McCaugheys,
the parents of the septuplets who live in lowa.
They're receiving an outpouring of assistance
from corporations and local charities.
However, what people don't realize is
that there's a black woman who recently gave birth...
- ( scattered applause ) - to decoctuplets
and hasn't made one headline.
We at "The Chris Rock Show" wanna help her out,
so here, via satellite, please welcome Dawn Wise.
( audience cheering, applauding )
Welcome to the show, Dawn.
Decoctuplets-- I didn't go to a fancy school--
How many babies is that?
- 18. - ( audience laughing )
18 babies! Good Lord. What was that like?
Chris, it's like going to the grocery store
for just a loaf of bread
and coming out with your own Price Club.
Let me ask you this.
Did you have a C-section or was it natural birth?
There's nothing natural about having 18 babies!
I'm not a German Shepherd.
Chris, I had babies coming out of everywhere--
my ears, my nose.
My dentist delivered the youngest one.
She was hiding under my wisdom tooth.
Now, Anita, you don't seem happy
Iike that mother in lowa. Why is that?
I had 18 babies!
Of course that McCaughey woman is happy,
because for her it was winning the lottery.
She's getting a lot of free shit.
She got Pampers, baby food,
a minivan and a house.
And what did you get?
I got 18 babies!
( audience laughing, applauding )
And they also gave me a big-ass hospital bill
for $1.2 million.
Oh man. What happens if you don't pay the bill?
Do they take a couple of the babies back?
I wish.
Now, how's your husband taking this?
Well, he was fine until he saw number 16,
and that just pushed him right over the edge.
but he's doing fine now, Chris, he's out looking for work.
Oh, is he unemployed?
Hell no! He has three jobs.
He's trying to find two more.
I guess you got a Jamaican man, huh?
( women in audience scream )
Now let me ask you this. Were you taking
any fertility drugs?
Kind of.
What do you mean, "kind of"?
Man, I smoked some weed and forgot to take
my birth control pill.
( audience laughs, applauds )
Hey, a joint and an Al B. Sure! record
will get you in trouble every time.
Now, did you know from that sonogram
that you were gonna have 18 babies?
No. My quack doctor told me
that I was gonna have a big-ass baby
with a lumpy head.
You know, I've seen the Mccaugheys all over the place.
Are you gonna be on any other shows?
Well, Ricky Lake invited me to do her show,
but when she found out that I had
a black husband and an education,
she didn't want me anymore.
Yeah, Ricky can do that.
Now, what did you name the babies?
Okay, there's Larry Jr.,
Dwayne, Roger, Rerun, J.J.,
Michael, Thelma, Greg, Marsha,
Peter, Jeb, Bobby, Cindy,
Buffy, Jody, Mr. French,
Moesha and Urkel.
Well, you know what? We said we would help you,
so we are sending you
18 baby car seats,
a coupon for Popeye's fried chicken
and your own "Chris Rock Show" jacket.
That's right.
What in the hell am I gonna do
with 18 baby car seats?
I don't even have a car. I want a minivan!
I'll tell you what.
If you give us an exclusive peek at those babies,
maybe we can work something out.
Okay, here they go.
( audience laughing, cheering )
Chris: Hey, that's enough! That's enough!
The minivan is on its way.
Thanks for coming. Anita Wise, everybody.
Everybody, Dawn Wise. All right.
( cheering )
Here to perform "Gitty Up"
off their latest album "Brand New," give it up
for Salt-N-Pepa featuring Spinderella
and Rufus Black! Come on.
- ( cheering ) - ( hip-hop music playing )
- NYC in the house. - ( audience cheering )
It's Brooklyn in the house.
That's our show for tonight. I'd like to thank
our guests Roy Jones, Jr., Salt-N-Pepa.
Yo, Flash, take us out.
- ( theme music playing ) - Thank you.